Forgive Me
by Oceanblue222
Summary: Alan and William are happily in love and expecting great things. When tragedy befalls then both must struggle with the new reality of things.


**Forgive Me**

**Disclaimer-** I own nothing!

William was sound asleep when he felt his body start to rock and a voice slowly enter his mind. Opening his eyes he looked behind him at his lover, his fiancée, who was up and trying to get him up as well. "Alan? What time is it?"  
"Get up. Please."  
Sitting up hearing the panic in his lover's voice he looked over at him wondering what could be wrong. It wasn't an attack that was different for him, he wouldn't be trying to wake him from being in too much pain to do much of anything. Putting a hand on his shoulder he tried to figure out what was wrong, it wasn't like Alan to just wake up in the middle of the night and wake him up.  
"What's wrong?"  
"Something is wrong William."  
"What?" Thinking about it, seeing Alan's hand on his lower abdomen he realized he meant with their child. Alan was pregnant with their first child, not too far, only about eight weeks but still.  
"Do you want me to call the doctor?"  
"Something!" Hearing the hysterics start to set in he didn't know what was wrong or what was going to happen. He just wanted his baby to be okay. From the moment he thought he was pregnant he loved this baby, he did everything he was told to do.

Grabbing the phone he dialed the number before moving closer to his love. Putting an arm around him he let him rest against him. Seeing Alan shift he saw something that worried him, that broke his heart. He had a good feeling Alan was having a miscarriage. He didn't want to be right but if he was it would break the brunette's heart. Trying to calm him he spoke to the doctor on the other end and answered the questions he was given. Being told to take him to the hospital he hung up and helped Alan to his feet.

Alan was in tears the entire time, from the moment he realized what was going on. He didn't want this to be real. This couldn't be happening. He did everything right. He didn't want to think about it but he had this feeling in his gut he was losing his child. Clinging to William he stayed by him until they got into the car and he had to sit in the passenger seat. William kept one hand on the wheel and the other on his knee while he drove trying to stay calm. He could tell he was trying to be brave for him as well.  
"I'm sorry." He tried to apologize before William cut him off.  
"Don't do that. You haven't done anything and we don't know." Squeezing his knee he pulled into the emergency room parking lot and helped Alan out of the car. Walking inside a few nurses were waiting and took Alan in the back right away to examine him. William was left standing in the background watching with worry as his love was examined. If Alan lost the baby, he didn't want to think about what it would do to him. Finally able to be beside him he took his hand and both watched anxiously as an ultrasound was done to see if they could find the child, or a heartbeat. Hearing nothing, seeing the doctor's face both knew before they heard the words, "I'm so sorry." With that though Alan lost it. Letting go of William's hand he curled up and started crying. Trying to comfort him he tried to think of something he could do but there was nothing. There was no way he could comfort the pain in Alan's heart.

Coming home a few hours later Alan went straight to the back of the apartment and into their bedroom. Carefully opening the door William saw him stripping the sheets from the bed for them to be washed.  
"Here, give them to me. I'll wash them."  
"I've got it William."  
"Alan…"  
"I don't want to talk about it."  
"Will you get me if you need something?"  
Stopping what he was doing he looked over at William, saw the worry on his face, saw he was upset too and trying to do all he could to help him. "I will I promise." Seeing William move down the hall he finished what he was doing only to stop and sink to his knees and cry. He didn't know what was worse, knowing he lost his baby or knowing he lost the baby to the man he loved and adored. He had never really thought of being a parent, never really thought about having a baby but finding out he was pregnant, seeing the joy on Williams face, it made him excited and he fell in love. He wished he did something better, was stronger, he would have done anything to save his child. Placing his hands over his stomach he cried knowing his child was no longer there.

William sat in the living room defeated. Alan wouldn't talk to him. Wouldn't talk to him at the hospital, wouldn't talk to him now. He knew he was hurting, knew he was mourning the loss of their child but he shouldn't be alone in this. They were a team, it was their child and he should know that he didn't blame him for this. There was nothing he could have done differently. He was saddened by the loss as well, he was looking forward to becoming a father. Sadly there was nothing he could do right now. All he could do was sit and wait for Alan to come to him, let them talk about this and move on together.

Alan stopped crying long enough to get the sheets in the washer and pull out new ones to stick on the bed. Going into the living room he saw William was still sitting there, still looked…unlike himself.  
"William?" Calling his name he waited for a response, waited to know his lover wasn't upset with him. Hearing his name Williams head shot up and looked over at Alan who was in the doorway.  
"Alan. Need something?"  
"Can you help me make the bed?" He knew it wasn't what he probably wanted to hear but he did and didn't want to talk about it. He didn't know what he wanted or how to go about his life right now. He couldn't just forget that he was no longer pregnant and he couldn't pretend that he was. He couldn't even think about trying again in a few months, partially scared he would have a repeat and the part of him worried it would hurt the child he lost memory. He may have only carried the child for a short period of time but they were still his child.  
"Of course love." Getting up he followed Alan into the bedroom and silently they made the bed together.

"Flowers. I would like to place flowers in the flower box." Making a comment he got the wrinkles out of the unfitted sheet while William did the same on his side.  
"Flowers? Okay." It took him a minute to understand what Alan was saying, they did have a flower box that hung over the balcony but Alan always planted flowers there. He realized he meant for their child, as a memorial since they couldn't do anything official. "Anything in particular?"  
Shaking his head he said, "no. But I figure we could look together."  
"I would love that Alan." Seeing him nod he finished up and walked over to him putting his arms around him. "I love you Alan. I love you so much." Feeling Alan turn in his arms he pulled him closer and started to cry on his chest. "Why did this have to happen Will, I don't get it?" Holding him close they sat on the bed as he tried to comfort his partner. "I wish I knew. Maybe it wasn't our time." Saying it though he wished he could take those words back as he felt his own heart break and Alan cry harder. "I don't blame you Alan, I don't think you could have done anything differently to change this outcome. We both know how much you loved this child and you did everything that people told you to do. No one expected this outcome. I know you are in mourning but let us mourn together. Let's plant flowers, let's whatever we have to but don't push me away Alan, I'm begging." Tears hit his eyes as he spoke, thought about what he lost, what he was afraid of. He just lost his child he didn't want to lose the love of his life too. Looking up at William he saw the pain on his face, saw the emotion he brought up and pulled his face close to him. "I'm sorry William, I'm so sorry. I won't push you away I promise. I love you, I love you."

Around noon both had fallen asleep in the arms of the other tired from the events of the day so far and from being woken up during the night. Neither let the other one go far without the other knowing they needed each other to get through this. They couldn't say if they would ever try for another baby right now, and that was okay. They needed time to mourn the loss of the child they had been expecting, they needed time gain hope and faith that were fit to be parents. And they could take all the time they needed because they had each other and their love.

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This was a side story to a story I am working on now. This is more like a What if story I hope you all enjoyed as it is my first thing posted.

Thank you  
Oceanblue222


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